Poised as we are, halfway between a brief trip to Budapest and a longer trip to Portugal, I find myself thinking even more than I normally do about how totally unsatisfying an experience commercial air travel is. We flew to Hungary with Ryanair, and were warned by more than one person about what a dreadful experience we would find it. The fact is that the dreadfulness of the experience was almost indistinguishable from the dreadfulness of flying British Airways and Singapore Airlines, which are probably the two ‘best’ airlines I have flown. The fact is that the differences between the airlines are comparable to the difference between being hanged by the neck until you are dead using a polyester or silk noose. I’ve never actually experienced either, but I suspect any nuanced difference would be lost on me under the impact of the entire experience.

You don’t need me to list for you the many individual inconveniences, annoyances and frustrations of air travel – but you will I hope indulge me as I pick out just a handful of my own favourites.

Last December marked the 22^nd anniversary of Richard Colvin Reid boarding an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami. On that flight, in an action that sounds as though it comes straight of The Goon Show, he attempted to detonate his boots by setting light to them with a match, having previously packed them with 10 ounces of explosive. Here we are, 22 years later, and select passengers are still being singled out in security lines at airports and asked to remove their shoes and have them inspected, despite the fact that, as far as anyone knows, in the intervening 269 months, not a single person has ever attempted to replicate this fiendishly cunning plot.

We should, I suppose, be grateful that Reid did not conceal the explosives in his underpants, but nevertheless you will agree that the authorities’ continued expectation that terrorists will replicate this particular modus operandi seems to be baseless, and is more about ticking boxes and covering rear ends than preventing disasters.

Then there is the issue of liquids. When we flew from Israel to Hungary, we were able to take bottles and thermoses of cold and hot water on board with us. From Hungary to Israel, of course, we could only take up to 100cc of any liquid in a clear container in a clear bag. At one point, I thought this was because, possibly under some feng shui influence, liquid explosives are somehow mysteriously rendered harmless when they travel from East to West, and are only unstable when travelling from West to East, but apparently this is not the case.

Aggravating as such inconveniences are, if I had to pick what is really rotten about air travel, I think it would have to be the passengers’ total surrender of control of their situation. We are, from the time we check in, entirely at the mercy of the airport and airline authorities. We have no choice but to do as we are told, and there is no way we can influence our situation.

This is, naturally, a particularly daunting prospect for those who pride themselves on being able to seize control of any situation. We actually had front-row seats for a demonstration of this on our flight to Budapest.

The processing at Ben Gurion airport was very efficient, and our flight began boarding only a few minutes later than scheduled. The boarding process went smoothly; the usual confusions over seating were sorted out quickly; space was found in the overhead lockers. I settled back in my seat, switched my phone to airplane mode and settled down to tackle The Times Cryptic Crossword.

At first, nothing happened. And then, nothing continued to happen. We all waited for the pilot to instruct the crew to lock the doors and for the plane to start reversing out of its parking bay. However, all was silent and still.

After perhaps 15 minutes, the captain’s voice came over the tannoy, informing us that the immigration authorities were refusing one passenger permission to board. The airline was attempting to resolve the situation; the pilot apologised for the delay and thanked us for our understanding.

Over the next 15 minutes, it is fair to say that certain elements among the passengers became a tad restless. In particular, a couple of would-be alpha males took it upon themselves to sort the situation out. In turn, two or three of them marched purposefully to the front of the plane to explain to the cabin steward that it was unreasonable to expect 239 passengers to wait while the fate of the 240th was being weighed scrupulously in the scales of justice. The cabin steward, no doubt more used to these situations than the passengers, explained that that wasn’t how the airline saw it, and that heaven and earth were being moved at that very moment to resolve the situation.

To my astonishment, all of the protesting passengers very soon realised that they were on a very unfair playing field, where there was absolutely no point in their attempting to influence events or persuade by the force of their arguments. There was, unsurprisingly, a certain amount of muttering, grumbling and posturing as they made their way back to their seats, but make their way back to their seats they did.

In the end, an hour or more after our scheduled take-off time, the airline accepted that it would not be able to resolve the problem with the authorities. After another fifteen-minute delay while the non-passenger’s case was removed from the hold, we eventually took off 90 minutes late. We actually made up about 20 minutes during the flight, but the whole business was, of course, a considerable annoyance, adding, as it did, to the length of an already long day and stealing, as it did, time from our holiday. I have been known to declare, in the past, that the holiday begins when you get on the plane, but that certainly wasn’t the case this time.

The cracked icing on the stale cake of this particular experience came at Budapest airport, a couple of minutes after I had connected to the free airport Wi-Fi. One of the fringe benefits that we enjoy with the travel insurance policy we take out is the following: if our flight is delayed for 90 minutes or more, we are entitled to free entry to any of a large number of airport lounges around the world. So, in Budapest airport, I received an email informing me that, because of the delay in our flight, we could use the airport lounge in Ben Gurion free of charge while we waited for our delayed flight.

This news would probably have done a better job of warming the cockles of my heart had it not been for several facts. By the time I received the message, we were no longer in Ben Gurion airport; we were in Budapest. even if we had been in Ben Gurion, as soon as we qualified for the benefit, our flight took off. Furthermore, had we still been in Ben Gurion airport, we would have been trapped on the plane and unable to enjoy the benefit. Even if we had not yet boarded, our flight left from Terminal 1, where we would have been trapped in the terminal, which has no lounges, since they are located in Terminal 3, to which we had no access.

I sometimes find it hard to imagine how air travel could be made any less civilised an experience than it currently is. However, I find it equally hard to escape a nagging feeling that I might just find out in two weeks, when we go to visit the kids.

Having said all of which, even this Eeyore readily admits that the prize at the end of the flight, just like the prize at the end of the sometimes traffic-clogged drive to Zichron, is so worth the aggravation.