(You see, I can do American popular cultural references as well.)

I really tried to resist writing this post. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to inflict the same sad story on you a second time. But, what can I do? When I look back over the last week, it has been dominated by one thing above all else – trying to make contact with someone who has the authority to rebook us on a different return flight.

Our story begins in early January, when Bernice and I decided that things seemed settled enough to finalise our booking for this trip. We originally wanted to fly from January 16 to February 13 – 4 weeks, Sunday to Sunday. Bernice then cleverly pointed out that, if Israel continued its new policy of allowing returning travellers to enter Israel on a rapid antigen test only, rather than a PCR test, it would cost us only 10 euros each, a saving of 180 euros (or 660 shekels) on our two tests!

However, since the nearest centre for testing is in Castelo Branco, we would have to travel to the airport via Castelo, and risk having to wait for our test (as we did last time). Alternatively, we could take a full PCR test earlier (there goes another 660 shekels). However, since this has to be within 72 hours of travelling, and since Castelo Branco is only visited by the itinerant PCR-testing lab for an hour in the morning, this would mean going on Friday morning, and hoping that our delay did not drag on too close to shabbat. This would also limit our baking and cooking on Friday for shabbat.

At this point, we both agreed that Sunday was a stupid day to fly back, and so I changed our booking (for only a small additional cost) to the previous Thursday. Shalom al Yisrael (Peace over Israel), as they say.

Except that, of course, over Israel, peace tends to be a short-lived state. And indeed, on the Thursday before we flew to Portugal, I received an email from eDreams, informing me that the Thursday TAP flight back to Israel had been cancelled. This email was a surprise for several reasons. First, because this was the first I had ever heard of eDreams; as far as I knew, I had booked through Opodo. Second, the email was in French, representing neither the language of the either of the two countries we were flying between, nor of the agent (Opodo) I had booked through. Fortunately, with my failed A-level French, I was able to understand that they provided a phone number in France to contact. Unfortunately, this phone number was unobtaionable. However, once we arrived in Portugal, I was able, with relatively little effort, to reschedule our flight to the previous day,  through TAP customer service in Portugal.

And then, last Monday, when I woke up, I saw that I had received, at 4AM Portugal time, an email from El Al, who, it transpired, actually ‘owned’ the Wednesday flight that was being code-shared with TAP – the flight TAP had moved us to from the Thursday flight. This email informed me that that Wednesday flight had also been cancelled, and, if I wished to rebook, I should contact El Al vis WhatsApp. After publishing my blog and having breakfast, I sent a WhatsApp message at 11:12. Five minutes of wrestling with a chatbot convinced me to try my luck on the El Al website. I logged on using my Frequent Flyer number, to be told that there were no reservations in my name. After an hour of attempting to find my reservation online, I gave up.

I next tried to call El Al Customer Service in Israel, where a message informed me that they were only handling calls for flights within the next 72 hours, and referring me to the same WhatsApp. I then obtained, from the El Al website, the phone number of their office in Madrid (which I knew from previous experience handled flights from Lisbon as well). All I got was the same message.

The following morning, refreshed by a good night’s sleep, I felt ready for a rematch with the chatbot. We started at 5:48 Portugal time, and by 554 I had been able to explain my situation and request to talk to a live agent. The bot assured me that they would get back to me within 24 hours.

I then decided to request assistance in English, and got a bot reply, an hour later, that my message had been transferred to the prioritized line, and would be answered by the first available agent.

A little over two hours later, an agent joined the WhatsApp chat. Once I had explained that I wished to rebook, the agent sold me the line: ‘Our digital service allows you to continue your daily routine.’ As I was to discover, their digital service would actually allow me to binge-watch an entire series of The Wire. (Not that I did, you understand.) ‘The waiting time,’ the agent added, ‘may be longer than usual. I will be with you shortly.’

Two hours later, he returned to thank me for waiting and to tell me: ‘I can look at alternative dates if you’d like.’ I refrained from telling him that I had stupidly imagined that’s what he had been doing for the previous two hours, and instead politely confirmed that I would like that.

‘Our digital service allows you to continue your daily routine.’ Or, indeed, to binge-watch another series of The Wire. (Not that I did, you understand.) ‘The waiting time,’ the agent added, ‘may be longer than usual. I will be with you shortly.’

This was followed, over two hours later by: ‘Thanks for waiting. Allow me to check.’ Then, 4 minutes later: ‘The earliest is 13 Feb’.

At this point, I should have said: ‘Book it’, and not, as I did: ‘This is ridiculous and completely unacceptable. Please give me a phone number where I can speak to someone in real time and resolve this, and without having to wait three hours on a phone first.’ I ranted on for another couple of messages. This was, as you will have realized, a bad mistake.

Two hours later, the agent replied: ‘Thanks for waiting. You may call us at 800-2234-6700.’ He then immediately left the chat, so that, when I replied a minute later: ‘Is that an Israeli number?’, I found myself back with the bot. ‘Dear customer, glad to have you back. Are you addressing the same issue as the previous one? 1 – Yes. 2 – No.

By the way, my varied attempts suggest that the 800 number was neither Israeli nor Portuguese, nor, indeed, any bloody use.

I heaved a sigh of frustration and started the whole process again, which took about 15 minutes with the bot. If you have been keeping track, you will know that the time was now 4:59PM Portugal, or 6:59PM Israel, which is why the bot’s next message read: ‘Our digital service is currently closed. If your inquiry is still relevant, please contact us during our working hours Sunday–Friday at 08:00–19:00 (TLV LOCAL).’

The following morning (this was now Tuesday), I tried the bot again, with no further success. Meanwhile, I had received another email in French from eDreams, which, I had meanwhile worked out, was the actual company that had arranged the flight, even though in booking I had dealt only with Opodo. A quick phone call confirmed that the French phone number was still unobtainable.

I next tried to rebook online with Opodo. However, their site informed me that I had no booking with them.

At this point, I was left with three options. I could call TAP in Lisbon, or Opodo in London (which would cost me more money, although we thought our landline contract allowed cheap calls throughout Europe, and not just EU), or El Al in Tel Aviv. Although it was true that our flight was not within 72 hours, the fact was that it was getting closer to 72 hours with every passing hour, and, technically, since I did not know what flight we would finally be booked on, it might well be less than 72 hours away.

Instead, I took a few hours off. Bernice is keen to return to Israel to be able to offer any assistance as needed by Esther, whose due date in mid-March is fast approaching. She was starting to get a little anxious, but I simply had no energy for further efforts.

So, on Wednesday morning, I decided to start with El Al. I got through to a very helpful agent, who, after some time searching online, was able to update me that the change from the Thursday flight to the Wednesday flight had been carried out by Opodo, and since neither the agent (Opodo) nor the airline booked with (TAP) was El Al, there was no way that El Al could change my booking from the now cancelled Wednesday flight to another flight (even though both the Wednesday flight and any replacement were bound to be officially El Al flights.

Grateful to El Al for a) answering the phone (finally), and b) clarifying the situation, I hung up and dialed both TAP in Portugal (on my Portuguese mobile phone) and Opodo in London (on our landline) simultaneously. TAP answered first (although Opodo ensured that the bar was set embarrassingly low). A very helpful agent examined the situation online and then expressed doubt that anyone other than Opodo could effect the change. However, she transferred me to TAP Central Booking, in the hope that they might be able to oblige.

While I was waiting for TAP Central Booking to reply, Opodo replied, and a helpful agent heard out my explanation, found my booking, offered me a return flight on Sunday 13 Feb, and explained that, since there was a difference in price, which would be absorbed by the airline (TAP), he could not finalise the rebooking without prior authorization from TAP. He assured me that this was purely procedural, and that I could expect a confirmation email and etickets in my inbox within 24 hours (in other words, by 12:00 noon on Thursday).

On Thursday afternoon, I phoned Opodo and their recorded message requested that anyone waiting for rebooking confirmation allow 48 hours.

When the email did not arrive before Shabbat, nobody was surprised, but Bernice grew visibly more anxious over Shabbat.

What also happened over shabbat was that MEO, our phone and internet provider in Portugal, detected unusual activity over our landline (a phone call to Israel and two more to Britain that together chalked up a bill whose details I am not going to share with you, for fear of upsetting those of a delicate nature). MEO followed standard procedure: they stopped our service and called Micha’el on his mobile to verify whether the activity was legitimate or we had, in fact, been hacked. Despite Micha’el assuring them that the calls were genuine, it took them some time to restore the service.

Thankfully, once the bill was paid, service was restored. However, no email had arrived over Shabbat, and so, on Saturday evening, I called Opodo again (this time making sure to phone during the cheap rate 9PM to 9AM window). My call was answered within a minute, and a very helpful agent confirmed we were booked on the Sunday, 13 Feb flight, and, while I waited on the phone, she emailed me our etickets.

If you have been paying attention, you will have noticed that the flight we are returning on is exactly the same flight as the one I originally booked us on several weeks ago. If there is a lesson here, I cannot for the life of me work out what it is.

However, the experience has given us two takeaways. First, I am now able to recite 6-letter booking codes (we have, so far, had four of these from Opodo), in the NATO alphabet, blindfolded. Second, and of more practical use, Bernice and I are firmly in agreement that, going forward, we will always book through a flesh and blood personal travel agent.

Meanwhile, spending another four days, including a fourth shabbat, has meant a last-minute rethinking of the rationing of the grape juice that we bring with us from Israel as a Shabbat Kiddush treat. Even so, another four days with the family here has its upside as well.